Safe Words

In BDSM, safe words refer to a word or set of words agreed upon between people to be used to indicate that they would like to change or stop what is happening in a scene or kink activity they are engaged in together. These words can be specific to a dynamic, might be set by the venue of an event, or might be a gesture instead of a words. It is often part of consent negotiation. The most common words that are used are "red" (also in the local language) and "stop". But they can also be very creative and sometimes fun or silly. Whatever they are, it is important that a safe word can be easily recognized and not mistaken for other words or that might normally be uttered during play that is going smoothly. When playing in a space with loud music, hand signals or even objects like a ball that can be dropped can be used as a safe gesture. These also work when a person is gagged, however a shake with the head and a specific noise like "huh, huh, huh" can also be used. Another frequently used word, made popular through media appearances and the relationship to the symbol for swingers (source), is the word "pineapple". This is sometimes used in the form of an emoji (🍍) in text messages. Safe words can be used for everyone that is involved in play, so both Top and Bottom roles in the play can use it - but not everyone chooses to play with a safe word. ### The Traffic Light System There are people that play not only with "red" as a safe word, but also include other colors like "amber", "orange," or "yellow" - and even "green" or "purple". The exact meaning of the words can differ from person to person so negotiating is important. But a common implementation is: - Red: Full stop. Play is stopped entirely for that session, not to be resumed. Communication then happens to get to a normal level or safe space together. - Amber/orange/yellow: Slowdown or check-in is needed. The person is reaching their limit or the edge is approaching and they need to actively communicate about that boundary and how to proceed without going over that edge. - Green: Keep going. The person is enjoying the activity, not close to their edges. Additionally some people also use: - Blue: Nothing is wrong, but let's slowly start ending what we are doing as I'm reaching the end of my ability to continue. Blue can also mean the person wants to pause but can continue later. - Purple/blue: Person is getting close to an emotional trigger, needs support in this by stopping and communicating. - Black: Stop. There is a medical issue. - Beige: Activity is fine but boring. Please change. Note here that blue is used in many different ways, so it is really important to discuss what colors mean to the people engaging in play with each other. This is true even for the base colors, as some people prefer a full stop on "amber/orange/yellow," with the intent to continue after communicating while others just desire a slow down in the current activity. ### Venue Safe Words Some venues or events set a safe word to be used to signal that a Dungeon Monitor needs to check-in with the people involved in the scene. A bottom could use this if their top ignores a "red" call, for example. Often venues use the traffic light system but some may have their own system. Venue safe words are usually outlined to guests in the venue rules and/or by staff upon arrival. Common venue safe words include "safe word", "pineapple" and "mercy." ### Safe Symbols or Gestures Sometimes words are not practical or desirable. In these situations, alternatives are needed, such as gestures or other sounds. Alternatives may be a hand signal, clicking fingers or an object such as a handkerchief to be waved or dropped. In these, cases the Top or Dominant may need to pay greater attention to the submissive to ensure the signal is not missed. Care must also be taken to ensure the signal is something the submissive can do with minimal thought or effort so they can still perform the signal deep in subspace, when they are low energy or in the midst of shock or trauma. Some people with disabilities may choose to use a special safe word or secondary signal to indicate that a disability‑related symptom is occurring. This can be especially helpful when symptoms might: - Mimic distress. - Interrupt communication. - Could appear like defiance to an order given by a Dominant. - Look like a reaction to the scene. - Make standard safe words unreliable. Safe words should be considered carefully based on the submissive's capabilities and should be clear to both participants. ### Core BDSM The use of a safety word in core/traditional BDSM differs and is a much more specific practice. In core BDSM, a safe word is an emergency stop. It allows the submissive to notify the Dominant of a fact that might be unknown to the Dominant or of a pre-set limit being passed/ignored. A Dominant of traditional BDSM will ALWAYS have the utmost respect of a safe word and will stop, but a submissive voluntarily gives their entire agency to the Dominant who accepted it - there is total power exchange, so they cannot "cheat" this by using an emergency stop when there is no emergency. If this happens, a Dominant will stop but may suggest to the submissive that they should reconsider their choices and this might call for the entire dynamic to end (similar to divorce happening in a vanilla marriage).