Polyamory

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where a person can have many consensual romantic and/or sexual relationships concurrently with different people. There is a wide spectrum of different connections that polyamorous people may have with their partners but they often contain or are intended for ongoing or "committed" relationships. Polyamory is not "one way" to have a relationship, it is an open framework where people will make agreements and consent to the way people conduct themselves and have relationships with each other and with others. While most people view polyamory as a relationship framework, some people also experience it more like an orientation in the sense that they see it as innate and unchangeable. People that are polyamorous will often talk in shorthand about what their preferred style is, like: "anarchistic solo-polyam", "kitchen table closed quad" or "mono-poly with a nesting partner". This kind of shorthand is no replacement for communicating the often intricate agreements people have with different partners and how that is applied in practice. ### Origins of the Term Polyamory The origin of the word polyamory comes from ancient Greek πολλοί (polloí), or many," and Latin amor, or "love." One may notice the difference in suffix from marriage-centric relationship descriptors like monogamous, in which "gamos" means "marriage." Etymologically speaking, polyamory and monogamy are not mutually exclusive (loving-many may include having one marriage.) Polyamory is often referred to as "poly" or "polyam" for brevity; however, there is ongoing discussion about the appropriateness of the former abbreviation, as "poly" may be used by people from Polynesia. ### Common Shapes of Polyamory - Triad: A polycule of three people where all people have relationships with one another. - Quad: A polycule of four people that have relationships between them in a way that connects all of them via each other. - Vee: Also called a "pivot". A person that has two relationships with people that do not have a relationship with one another. - Solo: A person that is likely to live on their own and maintains multiple relationships without a hierarchy between them. ### Common Agreements/Styles - Hierarchical: A group of people that have relationships between them, but where some relationships are considered "primary" and others are placed in a potential ranking of importance. Often the primary partners are cohabitating and the "secondary" are guests. - Non-hierarchical: The agreement that within the relationships there should not be a pre-defined order of priority, but coexistence is achieved between everyone in the polycule so that everyone's needs are met in the best possible way. - Anchor Partners: An alternative to "primary" and sometimes also defined as "nesting partners." In this case, the hierarchical part is dropped, but the practical side of people cohabitating is considered. Also due to the cohabitation these people will sometimes fall back onto each-other for initial support. - Kitchen-Table Poly: An agreement where all members of the polycule come together comfortably and are able to interact about their relationships, their needs, concerns and emotions to collectively make decisions that would impact the polycule. - Parallel Poly: An agreement where metamours do not interact with one another, but are aware of each other's presence. Any concerns, needs, or emotions are managed by the shared partner and not by the metamours. Commonly something that happens in "Vee"-style relationships, but also common for solo-polyamorous people. - Polyfidelity: An agreement within the polycule that people will not look for new romantic or sexual connections outside of the current polycule. This is also sometimes considered a "close" polycule and can be happen when polysaturation has been reached by the members of the polycule. - Relationship Anarchy: A form where the agreement is that all participants are free to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with people without defined rules. They are free to explore and evolve the relationships as they change. The connection between people is rooted in the trust that people will take care of their own needs, take care of their relationships, and will make sure that polysaturation will not cause an issue with existing connections. - Mono-poly: Identifying that one or more people in the relationship is monogamous towards their partner, but their partner is polyamorous with consent of the monogamous partner. - Poly-Asexual Not all relationships are based on sexual or romantic contact. A partner relationship with no desire for sex with other people may still want the capacity to share their partner with others. ### Polyamory: Related Terms to Know - Polycule: A group of people that are connected with one another through their own relationships and the relationships of their partners and potentially to degrees of separation beyond that. Can be seen as a chosen family group. - Metamour: The partner of your partner that you do not have a relationship with. - Poly Saturated: A state where a person or polycule does not have more practical space and/or time to have a relationship with more people. - **New Relationship Energy**: (NRE) A term to describe when a person is engaging in a new relationship and the additional heightened emotional state and hyperfocus that a new interest can bring. This energy can be intense as people get to know each other but is usually temporary. ### Cheating and Polyamory Even though there are plenty of options to engage romantically and sexually with people, cheating is still possible within polyamory. Agreements made between people in polyamorous relationships can still be broken depending on the relationship. This could include things like fluid bonding without consent of other people in a relationship or not disclosing a new partner. ### Polyamory as a Relationship "Fix" In some cases, people in a monogamous or open relationship will try polyamory as a way to "save" the relationship. However, many will find that polyamory is not a solution and will only highlight potential problems even more. Communication is key and within polyamorous relationships partners are often having to do a lot more work to communicate and make sure people are all on the same page. ### Additional suggested reading - Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships - Tristan Taormino - Polysecure - Jessica Fern - The Ethical Slut- Dossie Easton